Rose, Bud, Thorn - Getting to the Heart of the Matter
Relationships are often like a garden—some bloom into beautiful roses, others show promise as buds that need care, and some prick and sting like thorns. Neuroscience reveals that the relationships we nurture—or neglect—have a profound impact on our mental and emotional health. Unfortunately, many people focus too much time and energy on the thorns in their lives, leaving little room to foster budding relationships or celebrate the roses.
The Neuroscience of When Roses, Buds, and Thorns Matter
The human brain is wired for connection, and the quality of our relationships significantly influences our happiness and stress levels. Neuroscientific studies show that positive relationships stimulate the release of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which fosters trust, happiness, and emotional resilience. Conversely, toxic or draining relationships can trigger the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, and even burnout.
People often fall into one of three patterns:
Spending too much time on thorny relationships, trying to "fix" what feels broken or tolerating behavior that disrespects their boundaries.
Neglecting the buds—relationships with potential that require nurturing and attention.
Taking their roses for granted, forgetting to express gratitude for the connections that bring them joy and support.
Recognizing which relationships fall into these categories—and acting accordingly—can transform the way we relate to others and ourselves.
The Rose, Bud, and Thorn Framework for Relationships
The Rose: These are the relationships that bring beauty, joy, and energy into your life. These people uplift you, celebrate your wins, and make you feel seen and valued.
The Bud: These relationships show potential but require care, attention, and intentional effort to grow. A bud might be a new friendship, a distant family member you want to reconnect with, or even a relationship with untapped depth.
The Thorn: These relationships feel painful or draining. Thorns may stem from individuals who are manipulative, disrespectful, or make you feel depleted over time. While not all thorns are irreparable, some may require pruning to protect your mental and emotional health.
Why We Focus Too Much on Thorns
The Brain’s Negativity Bias
Neuroscience explains that the human brain has a built-in negativity bias, meaning we are more likely to focus on threats or pain (thorns) than on positive experiences (roses). While this bias evolved to help humans survive, it can lead us to fixate on challenging relationships while neglecting the ones that uplift us.
Emotional Energy Drain
Thorns often demand disproportionate amounts of time, energy, and mental resources. Manipulative or disrespectful people can erode our self-esteem and leave us feeling powerless. The brain’s stress response (cortisol release) can make it harder to set boundaries, leading to a cycle of depletion.
The Cost of Neglecting Buds and Roses
When we overinvest in thorns, we often neglect the buds—relationships with potential to grow—and take roses for granted. This not only limits the depth of our connections but also deprives us of the oxytocin and dopamine boosts that positive relationships bring.
Transforming Your Garden of Relationships
Identify Your Roses, Buds, and Thorns
Roses: Who uplifts and supports you? Write down 2–3 names.
Buds: Who shows potential for a deeper connection? Write down 2–3 names.
Thorns: Who drains your energy or disrespects your boundaries? Write down 2–3 names.
Understand the Why
For each person, reflect on why you placed them in their category. Ask yourself:
What makes this relationship a rose, bud, or thorn?
How does this relationship make me feel physically and emotionally?
Take Action
Roses: Celebrate and nurture these relationships. Express gratitude regularly—this releases oxytocin and strengthens bonds. For example, send a thoughtful message or make time to connect.
Buds: Invest time and attention. Buds require consistent effort to bloom. Schedule meaningful conversations or activities to deepen the connection.
Thorns: Assess whether these relationships can be transformed or need boundaries. Some thorns can grow into buds with honest conversations, but others may need to be pruned to protect your well-being.
When to Prune the Thorns
Some thorns can be transformed through love and understanding. However, others are inherently toxic or manipulative. Signs that a thorn may need to be pruned include:
They consistently disrespect your time, energy, or boundaries.
Interactions leave you feeling drained, anxious, or resentful.
They manipulate or gaslight you, making you doubt your worth.
Pruning doesn’t have to mean cutting ties entirely—it may simply involve setting firm boundaries or reducing the amount of time and energy you invest in the relationship. Remember, protecting your mental health is not selfish; it’s necessary for growth.
Homework Exercise: Transform Your Relationships
Journal Reflection
List 3 roses, buds, and thorns in your life. Reflect on why each person belongs in their category.
Ask yourself: What steps can I take to nurture my roses and buds? What boundaries do I need for my thorns?
Have a Heart Conversation
Choose one bud or thorn to address this week. Use the principle of “Start with Heart” from Crucial Conversations:
Begin with empathy: “I value our relationship and want to make it stronger.”
Share your perspective: “Here’s what I’ve noticed…”
Collaborate: “What can we both do to make this better?”
Personal Reflection
Apply this framework to your relationship with yourself. Are there aspects of your life that feel like roses, buds, or thorns? How can you nurture growth and let go of what no longer serves you?
Gratitude and Letting Go
Expressing gratitude for your roses and buds releases oxytocin and dopamine, enhancing emotional resilience. Similarly, letting go of toxic relationships reduces cortisol and improves your mental clarity. By focusing on cultivating positive connections and pruning harmful ones, you rewire your brain for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Cultivating a Garden of Joy
Your relationships reflect the garden of your life. Roses bring beauty, buds hold promise, and thorns teach valuable lessons. By starting with heart, nurturing the buds, and pruning the thorns, you create space for more connection, joy, and personal growth. As you tend to your garden, remember: some thorns will bloom, and some are best left behind. 🌹
