Harnessing the Power of Obsession: Your Healthy Focus

Have you ever considered that obsession could be a force for good in your relationships? While the word often carries negative connotations, a healthy form of focused attention can transform your connections and boost your self-esteem.

Rewiring Obsession As Focus

Obsession, when channeled positively into focus, can fuel personal growth and relationship success. It's about directing your obsession habit, the feelings, and the compulsions towards constructive behaviors, actions, and habit patterns.

The Benefits of Healthy Relationship Focus

When applied thoughtfully, obsession turned into focus can help you:

1. Analyze Relationship Reciprocity

2. Reward and Rearrange Relationships Around Reciprocity

3. Establish Clear Boundaries and Expectations

4. Manage Expectations Ongoingly

5. Prevent Unhealthy Obsession

6. Boost Self-Esteem
   

Practical Steps to Harness Obsession Positively

1. Analyze Relationship Reciprocity

The first crucial step is to evaluate the reciprocity levels in your relationships. This analysis helps prevent co-dependency, self-isolation, manipulation, and being taken advantage of. Ask yourself:

• Do people treat you like an afterthought or second option?

• Do they frequently cancel plans last minute or only include you when their main plans fall through?

• Do they expect you to drop everything for them?

• Are they generous with their time, energy, or resources?

• Is there a balance in give-and-take, or is one party consistently taking advantage?

In his book "Give and Take," Adam Grant explores this concept in depth. He reveals that while "givers" can be taken advantage of, they can also rise to the top of success if they master the art of setting boundaries and communicating their needs effectively. They can even outperform takers, who are seen as manipulators. By analyzing your relationships for reciprocity, you lay the groundwork for healthier interactions.

2. Reward and Rearrange Relationships Around Reciprocity

Channel your attention towards nurturing connections that truly serve you. Prioritize appreciation over expectations, as Tony Robbins suggests: "Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant." Express gratitude for these high-reciprocity relationships with quality time, acts of service, gifts, etc. Typically these relationships will have higher trust, more mutual respect, and more reciprocal empathy, so do whatever it takes to strengthen these.

So what does this mean about low-reciprocity relationships? Typically these relationships can be bombarded with hot-cold communication, fear of loss, bare minimum commitment from one party, love bombing, bullying behavior, unsaid expectations, low trust, lack of respect for one party, etc. If you find yourself- prioritizing one of these types of relationships, this might be due to codependency, fear of loss, fear of abandonment, old wounds etc. that you can work through.

3. Establish Clear Boundaries and Expectations

Open communication is key with boundaries and expectations. Use your focused energy to identify and communicate your limits. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, "Boundaries allow us to communicate our needs clearly, foster mutual respect, and establish a sense of safety in our relationships."

So start your relationships, friendship, etc, on the right track, with clear ground rules and boundaries early on. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The 5 Love Languages," advises, "Be explicit about what you need and expect from your partner. Don't assume they'll 'just know'." When you establish clear expectations, you can feel a sense of relief as there is a trust being established.

Typically men want respect, and women want love. If for whatever reason there is a disagreement , is there an agreed upon way of civilly coming back to reciprocal love and respect? Or is withholding love/respect the weapon of choice when there is a disagreement ? How about a tantrum or an ever escalating cycle of saying hurtful things you don't really mean?

Pay attention to these patterns of behaviors. Many of them are learned behaviors and subconscious autopilot responses we employ....and yes, they can be retrained with time.

4. Manage Expectations Ongoingly

Things are bound to change, so how do you manage your relationship expectations ongoingly? Regularly check in and adjust your expectations. Relationship coach Esther Perel recommends, "Revisit expectations frequently as circumstances change. Don't let them become outdated." By frequently touching base, you prevent shame of not meeting needs, guilt of breaking agreements, etc. The more frequently you communicate the more people will respect and trust you as well, because you did what you could to remain transparent.

5. Prevent Unhealthy Obsession

Stay grounded in reality. Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist studying love, warns, "Realize the difference between genuine love and artificial love." Often times, this can be triggered by emotions of nostalgia, day dreaming, comparison, seeking control where there is none, fantasizing about the future prematurely, misconceptions around expectations, escaping the current situation, wanting to tranquilize pain, etc. Sometimes reigning in the mind is needed to prevent it from getting your emotions tied up to low reciprocity friendships or relationships. From time to time, I find myself taking a break from social media, the news, and certain mobile apps just to keep psychological sobriety in check. If you find yourself spiraling into unhealthy patterns, seek support.

6. Boost Self-Esteem

Use your focused energy to build self-discipline and consistency. This can significantly enhance your self-worth and relationship satisfaction. As psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden states, "The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance."

Remember, the goal is to use obsession as a positive tool for growth, not as a means of control or escapism. Instead the obsession should be transmuted or rewired to be focus. But remember, what you focus on tends to magnify. This can be seen from the famous double slit-experiment with light, as well as our research on the Reticular Activation System (RAS). By redirecting your intense focus towards healthy relationship practices and self-worth boosters, you can create stronger, more fulfilling connections. For a deeper dive into how habit psychology affects relationships, check out my article "Unshackle Your Heart".

Are you ready to transform your relationships by harnessing the power of obsession into focus? If this resonates with you, let's explore together what how we can re-wire some patterns in your life for the better www.manojvcoaching.com/book-a-call.